Goose talks E3 2012.

Every year every other chucklehead offers his or her dismantled impressions of the E3 press conferences. This only increased exponentially when they started streaming the conferences. Now that people think their opinion matters they actually go to E3 and live tweet from the very conference I am watching on my PC because I obviously am not watching what they are seeing.

Seriously, if you just tweet what you see or hear followed by “I am excite” then I implore you to kill yourself or at the very least put a rabid ferret down your pants and roll on the ground shouting “Listen to me!!! Listen to meee!!!”

Oh the joy of everyone thinking their stupid opinion matters!

I have never been impressed with E3. The companies get up on stage and wag their wieners at each other in the hopes of impressing gamers and investors. I do not like business jargon I, like much of you, let it blow passed my ears while my brain screams, “Get on with it.” Blah blah blah . . . I say, let the the products speak for themselves and forgo the lengthy opening speeches. If they are going to have speeches, then please hire people who can speak to a group and entertain them. None of these people can speak, act, or read a teleprompter. It bothers me. You do this once a year. Practice your speech once or twice would ya? This is your superbowl after all.

2012 christens the first year I actually am offering my worthless two bits. Right or wrong, here is my take on the E3 panels.

Microsoft

Most people seem to agree that it was boring without any real appeal.  I just do not care about Halo 4. Has there ever been a 4 of anything that blew people away? I guess Ocarina of Time was a technical ”4″ right? Bah, I am splitting hairs. I know there is a market for this game. I am not sure why. I think Halo Reach’s campaign was boring. Some people might want to really play this game, but it has no real appeal for me. This is for Halo fans, but no one outside of what is left cares. Looks just like another Halo game. Have fun with it.

The new Gears of War: Judgement is a mistake. Gears 3 ended the franchise. Going back in time makes no sense to me and I really do not have any interest in playing a intermediate game that takes place between 2 and 3 or before 1 or in some alternate timeline or in Baird’s own demented head. If you are going back, then new weapons make little sense and I have no idea how you would go forward. The war is over.

I am fairly certain Tomb Raider and Resident Evil 6 will be cross platform so I this really has very little to do with Microsoft. Sure, they might get some content first, but whoopie freakin’ do. I am all for RE6 and the they should have seen the obvious Uncharted comparisons with Tomb Raider. You know what was great about TR1? The Tombs and puzzles. You know what they stopped making after that? Tombs and Raiding. I don’t want to be a City Raider or a stupid Area 51 Raider. All of the action and fighting are not what I am personally looking for from this franchise. I loved the first Tomb Raider for its sense of isolation, the platforming, the exploration, and the puzzles. Unfortunately, that is not going to happen. So instead of oversexualizing Lara and making her a badass, we make her an unlikely whiny heroine who gets the shit kicked out of her in cutscenes and sexual assault . . . and a Ben Kenobi “Use the Force Lara” voice from her father. Having Lara Croft say “I hate Tombs” completely changes the way we view her. Is she going to take a turn and love tomb raiding by the end? Is this analogous to a young woman’s first sexual experience where it hurts the first time but she grows to like it? Ugh. Sorry, I am not feeling this game or this Lara. Sexual assault is something women actually have to deal with in normal, everyday life. I don’t think women want to take control of a character who gets abused by men. In fact, all the women in the trailer get abused by men. Good. Just alienate all of the female gamers out there. If you want to make her grittier, great. But there are actual women who can kick ass like Miesha Tate, Gina Carano, and Ronda Rousey. Why not use them as your template? There is nothing likable about it.

I have this feeling I am supposed to care about Microsoft Glass, but I don’t. Maybe I can control my games with my iPad2. Great. So while I have my controller in my hand my other apps will update as they normally do blinging and reminding me of things I have set over my gameplay. I will have to always make sure my tablet and phone are fully charged to play my games as well as my controller. I never play games for hours on end where it would drain my batteries for when I leave in the morning or the next day. nooooo. No gamer plays for hours. I am certain syncing them to my console will also not draw on my battery life at all. When I grow four more arms this will come in handy, excuse the pun.  The idea is “brilliant” because it does not require any additional investment from the user. Yes, because everyone owns a high end smartphone and tablet. Suppose you do not – that makes this feature one of the more expensive ones out there. Good luck with the Coby Kryos and that feature. I see the potential in areas, but if I still have to use a controller, then it is something else I have to manage and fumble while playing. Exactly what good is that? I cannot wait until I get a call when I am using my phone or need to text someone. Guess I will need to pause if I want to tweet something because I am not ending the game to go back to the dashboard to do it. Durr hurr hurr. You know, people something like this already – their PCs.

Sony

Thank you for cheering and applauding the gamers at your opening. YAY for us. That and 500 points and I can almost buy a decent game of off PSN. They applaud us while they made a system that was $499 USD at launch. That feels like a parent who beats the shit out of you when drunk and then comes into your room to say hr or she is sorry.  Okay, I am being a harsh smartass. I like the message, but I personally do not need pandered to.

Okay so you love us again. Good. Now what?

God of War . . .yep. That is Kratos doing what he does.  It looks just like God of War 3. Smash Brothers Brawl Sony? I waited a year to find out what that fucking viral video was about? Beyond? Graphics look amazing. I have no interest in playing a movie. The Last of Us? Take every penny I have for it Naughty Dog. The game looks interesting and amazing. I loved it when it was I am Alive. Let’s just hope it is not too much like it as I have a lot to say about that game.  Far Cry 3 can bite it. Looks like every other FPS again and more of the same boring meh. Four player co-op is nothing new, so I do not get the hype for that.

They talked at length about Wonderbook. This is where children spend time in a virtual world on their screen inspired by books, but are nothing like books because, well, let’s face it, your child is probably not all that intelligent and doesn’t like to read. If he or she were, then he or she would think Wonderbook is stupid. I am a fan of anything that gets people reading. Twilight? Love it. Shut up, I do. If you are a grown ass person complaining about a book aimed at tween girls you really need to grow up. It’s not like Myers changed the vampire stories you like! At least it gets young girls reading. Harry Potter? I love them as it got a whole generation reading. Teddy Ruxpin? Didn’t do shit but creep people out.  Since this barely involves reading, calling it a book is a misnomer. I could care less how it works. I am sure people will buy it, but it will not do anything to expand a child’s mind.

They discussed the syncing feature they are trying out with the Vita. Would have loved to have that with my PSP. Now if they can make some games I want to actually play on the Vita and a price point that makes it worth the expense then I can get a bit more excited. The Vita seems okay, I just have never been a person who loves handheld game systems.

Nintendo

I have to admire Miyamoto. He has given me some of the greatest games of my childhood. I love the man and he seems rather pleasant and humble, as many in the Japanese culture are. But there has to be a time where people need to admit that not all of your ideas are gold. I know many people love Pikmin. I am not one of them. I do not hate the series, but I am not overwhelmed by it. Sorry, but I don’t want to waggle my arm to swing Link’s sword.

Of course, Nintendo showed the Wii U. They took considerable time to explain the revolutionary nature of this controller and how it will change the way we search for entertainment and how families interact. That is bold. Can it make my morning coffee too? I am glad they gave a tutorial on what the buttons do. No one could have figured that out without the explanation. It is hard for gamers to get excited about an alternate Arkham City: Armored Edition. We played Metal Gear Asylum and Batman GTA. Another version of that with similar weapons is not going to blow our minds. Yes, the functionality of the Wii U controller with detective vision looks interesting. I could have used that three years ago. Having my friends “Tweet” bullshit in my Mario Game is not something I am dying to see. What, now anyone can leave messages for people? I sense some great Wii U moments for Fat, Ugly or Slutty coming up in 2012. Do you really need your dickhead friends spoiling games for you? I have enough trouble with things getting spoiled let alone it coming into the actual game I bought. Plus, it really looks like the New Mario Wii, which was a bore fest to me. Really, a return to Dreamland where we can play the characters again or be in four player co-op with all the various powers is what I need. Hell. Isn’t the obviousness of Wart and Bowser teaming up and recruiting Wario and Waluigi overdue? Hellloooo. No one likes Waluigi, but still, why leave him out. We need a first boss. I would like to see Doki Doki Panic 2 mixed with Super Mario World.

Where the fuck was Zelda?

Nintendo showed other things, but I really hardly care about them. Some Just Dance or Sing game. Again, some people like them and there is a market for them, but I am not that market. They also unveiled Wii U Fit, which might sell a bunch to people who gained all the five pounds they lost from the terrible working out from Wii Fit. Seriously, if you find that a work out then you need to seek counseling. At least you do not have to buy a new Wii Fit board.

They have something called NintendoLand, but really it took more time to explain what the fuck we were watching on the screen than it would be to actually play it. I get it, but I don’t have three other people I like enough to want to play NintendoLand with, plus that happens on such rare occasions we can just play Mario Party 1-9. I am sure they will make a 10.

I know Ubisoft and EA had large conferences that got a lot of attention. They are not synonymous with high end AAA titles in my humble, yet accurate, opinion. Sure, they put out a lot of games that sell gangbusters, but I find the vast majority of what both companies publish to be rather yawn dropping.  I commend Ubisoft for putting a woman of color as the main character for the Vita in Assassin’s Creed 3: Liberation. I have had about enough of this franchise and they are milking it to death right now. Those udders are shooting air. This Assassin’s Creed on the PS3 where you control a ship that looks like a Shoop or Corvette is not very interesting to me. It did not appear to me as if the user controlled anything but where the cannons where shooting. Even if you do control the ship, this seems to have little to do with what I want out of a stealth game.  Either way, they will have a lot of things for you to climb and collect to add to that total “playtime.”  People seem to be excited for Watch_Dogs.  I watched the same thing everyone else did and I do not get the appeal. The concept is interesting, but I liked it much better as Sneakers, Eagle Eye, and Enemy of the State – and Eagle Eye was stupid. From what I watched I am not sensing a better written story here. I spent over 10 years analyzing some of the best stories from the world’s greatest writers, not a damn one is in video game format. Most games do it wrong. Hire me and I will prove it. ha!

EA . . .Dead Space 3 or Gears of Space ummm and Battlefield Elite aka “we want more of your monies.” Medal of Honor: Warfighter or we are not considering real people actually die in these hotspots and don’t care if we piss on their sacrifice – you get gamer points for it! SimCity 5 . . . 5 years too late.

The one thing looming on the horizon that gamers need to consider is that if Nintendo put out a console, then the other two companies are sure to have their new versions out very soon. If not 2013, then it will be the next year.  So, you are witnessing the last legs of this generation. What will not end with this generation is the constant push to make consoles an “entertainment hub” for the “family” room. You know, most teenagers have consoles in their room because mom and dad would like to watch CSI and The Voice sometime this millennium. I think most adults are not really all that interested in an entertainment hub. Sony, I have a Blu-ray player, and it is much cheaper than your Playstation 3. Sony, your Blu-ray player I have does everything the system does from Hulu to Netflix and You Tube. (Granted, I had to shell out $75 USD for the WiFi adapter.) Why would I power up my system when I can power up the player in less time? Why would I ever watch You Tube on something where I cannot leave a comment? Most of my music I use is on my iPod, so I do not need music or movies on my systems, Microsoft. I could give two shits about sports, so you can shove ESPN; IE on the Xbox makes about as much sense as using IE on any PC.

Yes, adults use the hub features like Netflix, but I am gathering that as technology gets better TVs are going to have their own menus as well. Why wouldn’t Netlix make it to the TV sets as well? Maybe Sony TVs will not have this feature, but why wouldn’t a Magnavox? I am not sure what all this entertainment features are moving towards, but it can only mean a complete integration of TV set with console in the future. You could play an Xbox TV which is sold as an all in one unit and costs $3,000. Good luck with the RROD on that one.